Insights, Reflections, and Renewal for Couples
When is too much self-criticism a problem? Always. But there is an important difference between self-criticism and self-reflection. True self-reflection is always constructive, not reproachful. It seeks to understand tough truths in order to guide self-improvement. Self-criticism, on the other hand, seeks to justify a predetermined verdict: “I am unworthy.” Self-reflection seeks what is better. […]
A Checklist to Measure Love The Apostle Paul gave us a checklist for measuring love in a beautiful passage that is often read at weddings. It is worth reviewing whenever you face a relationship challenge. I suggest you read it, however, not with an eye to how your lover is failing you, but mostly with […]
Do you have trouble forgiving? Or do old hurts continue to rise up in your thoughts?
Forgiveness is essential to the quest for peace, contentment, and love . . . all of which are gravely disturbed by unresolved feelings of anger or bitterness.
If any of the above are true, do you feel the weight? Have you noticed how you are accumulating a constantly heavier load of emotional baggage? If old hurts are never truly forgiven, and new hurts keep getting added to the pile . . . it is no wonder that you are feeling worn down.
Would you like to be free of old hurts? To stop looking backward? To always have an empty bag of grudges and a fresh start before you with every new day?
You can.
It is both a scientific fact and a core teaching from many religious traditions that you can enjoy a happier and healthier life by learning how to practice unconditional forgiveness, and to even live in a state of perpetual forgiveness.
Often, there is also a brokenness in our ability to truly hear and understand others. It’s not just reacting and expressing ourselves that can be broken. Our ability to patiently listen and empathetically hear can also be broken.
Joy is what we experience from things, activities, and even adventures. But true happiness comes from relationships. Joys are passing. That’s why we are constantly seeking new joys. True happiness, by contrast, is marked by a deep sense of peace or contentment, which in turn is dependent on feeling safely connected to other persons by […]
Your spouse’s opinions may change over time, but seldom because you have lectured, pressed, insisted or demanded his or her conformity with your opinion. It is far more likely that your spouses opinion, or yours, will change simply by being aware of each others views and being open to allowing those views, and others one […]
Despite all the romantic hopes everyone harbors about finding a soul mate or perfect match, the reality of human nature is that we are all imperfect and therefore imperfectly compatible. But while every marriage is a marriage headed toward conflicts, perseverance in marriage serves both oneself and one’s spouse precisely because, like physical exercise, it strengthens us by working on our weak spots. In short, perseverance will make both you and your spouse better people . . . at least if you have enough humility to be willing to change and improve.
Every marriage goes through cycles of intimacy. Sometimes we will feel close to each other and yearn for ever more emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy. At other times, we will feel that we are drifting apart. If the drift apart becomes too severe, we may actually begin resent our spouse’s efforts to renew and […]
Trust is vital to marital intimacy. Unfortunately, sometimes through no major fault of a spouse, trust may be lost — or at least buried–beneath feelings of anxiety, fear, or even an emotional shut down. Why? Because past hurts caused by other people can become mentally associated with one’s spouse. Once these links are made, even […]
Many people are looking for “chemistry” in their love lives. They want someone who stirs up their feelings of admiration, attraction, and desire. It’s like they want to be handed a surprise gift. A neat little package containing all of the feelings we associate with love, especially the way “true love” and “love at first […]
Women are attracted to confident men. Indeed, confidence is the most commonly listed quality women report wanting in men. Moreover, even the physical characteristics of an attractive man are ones which suggest manly confidence, strength, and an ability to lead. On some level, this sign of confidence also reflects an ability to protect, provide, and […]
Be wary of stereotypes. They often hold elements of truth, but not the whole truth. Stereotypes about men and women, for example, may be helpful starting points in discussions because there are true differences in men and women. On the other hand, since there is so much variation between individuals, both men and […]
Marriage vows are intended to bind us to our spouse even and especially when we no longer feel like we want to be together, much less bound together. Marriage vows are a reminder that promise to love someone is an act of the will, a decision to bind one’s will to the process of trying as […]
