Everyone knows marriages have ups and downs. This is not just month to month or year to year. In a larger sense, there is actually a very predictable pattern in every marriage.
First comes idealization and passion. Everything is wonderful.
Second, disillusionment. A realization that everything is not perfect. There are faults in your partner (and yourself) and disagreements that seem unresolvable.
Third, for many, the struggle. One or both partners trying to convince the other that they are wrong. They are the ones who need to change. They are the ones who bring in the baggage.
Fourth, misery. An accumulation of hurts and resentments overshadows any joy. It is likely one or both partners feel lack of respect, even disdain. This is the time when many feel that divorce is their only option.
Fifth, awakening. Often with the help of counseling or the example of couples who have worked through both the struggle and misery, couples learn to recommit, listen more, forgive the past, become more quick to forgive in the future, struggle less, and develop new respect for their partner’s views, desires, and ways of doing things. At this stage, they are less likely to have a disproportionate response to the things that aggravate them. They feel their needs are respected, even if not always fulfilled. And they are even okay with the fact that their partner can’t fulfill every need and desire. That’s why couples in this peaceful, easier phase of living with each other, will still face some conflicts, but they don’t let the conflicts turn into disdain, resentment, and misery.
What stage is your relationship in? What are you doing to move to the most mature, healthy and peaceful stage?
Resources:
- The five stages of marriage, including one most couples never achieve
- The 4 Stages of Marriage
- The 4 Stages of Marriage and Why Too Many of Us Stop at Stage 3