When is too much self-criticism a problem?
Always.
But there is an important difference between self-criticism and self-reflection.
True self-reflection is always constructive, not reproachful. It seeks to understand tough truths in order to guide self-improvement.
Self-criticism, on the other hand, seeks to justify a predetermined verdict: “I am unworthy.”
Self-reflection seeks what is better. Self-criticism tells us we don’t deserve any better.
Self-reflection urges us forward. Self-criticism holds us back.
Self-reflection requires thoughtful effort plus an act of the will to choose a new path.
Self-criticism masks itself as thoughtful, but it is actually just a habitual way of thinking that keeps you stuck in the same old path. It is a misguided defense mechanism. It seeks to protect you from disappointment and rejection by preemptively steering you away from success and joys for which you are “unworthy.” Such self-criticism is marked by a pattern of self-reinforcing negative thoughts that come unbidden into your mind. They are always close by, quick to sabotage any joy you “don’t deserve” and are obstacles to not only true self-improvement but also to any growth in contentment and meaningful happiness.
If you have any tendency toward self-criticism, this article if for you. It describes concrete step for shifting from self-criticism to self-reflection.
But the mere fact that we are looking closely at the self-criticism is likely to arouse defensive reactions. Your self-critical voice does not want to lose its control over you. It will try to twist everything you read here in negative ways.
One way it will do so is to whisper into your ear that you can’t improve, you don’t want to improve, and that no improvement is even necessary because your inner critical voice is what make you “you.”
Don’t be dissuaded by that self-defeating talk. At least try to open to persuasion. The best of you has yet to be seen.
Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS)
In cognitive therapy there is a great deal of attention paid to the problem of “automatic negative thoughts” (ANTS). These negative thoughts increase stress and are often triggered by emotions associated with past stresses.
[These] Cognitive distortions are sneaky ways your mind convinces you of something that isn’t really true.
Your brain fools you into thinking that your negative thoughts are accurate and logical, but, in reality, they serve only to reinforce negative thinking and emotions.(1)
For many people the criticisms they heard as children, or in other key relationships, have created and fueled a relentless self-critical inner voice.
This self-critical voice has no upside . . . it is a chain that drags one down. Instead of aiding in self-improvement, it is an obstacle to self-improvement. It amplifies every insecurity ten-fold, and increases the risk of self-destructive envy and jealousy.
This negative cycle is further perpetuated by feelings of failure and low social status.
Are You Too Self-Critical?
Does that question alone make you uncomfortable? When someone says you are overreacting, do you reflexively become angry?
If so, these negative emotions may be a sign that your inner critic is afraid of being challenged by any process of sincere self-reflection.
There are many checklists for identifying if you have a tendency to be too self-critical. In Psychology Today, Dr. Loretta Breuning has a list of 20 signs of being too self-critical . Another good checklist and discussion is offered by AllRelationshipMatters.
Ironically, it is quite possible that your self-critical inner voice will seek to defend itself from any further self-reflection with: “But I am a failure. That’s a reality. It’s not just in my head.”
If that thought pops to mind, that is 100% proof that you are too self-critical. Just look at how dogmatic and final that declaration of your failure is!
No matter how many mistakes you have made, they do not define the full reality of who you are or who you are capable of being. Of course you have had failures. Everyone does. But you are not defined by your flaws or failures. You are not even defined by your virtues and successes.
More fundamental than either your successes of failures, is the fact that you are a child of God. Your dignity and worth are defined and defended by God. That fact alone stands against any litany of self-condemnations.
Another key sign that you are too self-critical is if you are thin-skinned.
Do you take offense easily? Do you frequently feel corrected or upstaged?
Do comments that are intended to be constructive, or even just conversational, strike you on an emotional level as demeaning or judgmental?
Why does this happen? Because your self-critical inner voice is constantly expecting and seeking criticism from others.
Another sign: How do you react to apologies?
What happens when your partner sees you are upset, apologizes and explains that he did not intend what he said as a criticism? Do you instantly accept his apology, trust his reassurance of innocent intent, and easily let go of your hurt feelings?
Or does your inner voice cling to the initial perception of the hurt? Does it continue to mull over the perceived offense as “the Truth” despite reasonable explanations to the contrary?
If the latter, why?
Is it not because your inner critical voice has you so conditioned to expect criticism rather than acceptance that you tend to believe your critical voice more readily than the people who love you?
Is it not, in fact, because your critical inner voice is uncomfortable with acceptance and leery of forgiveness?
Your critical inner voice, by definition, is most comfortable with criticism. As such, it will do anything it can to deny acceptance in favor of a perceived criticism.
Hypercriticism, Misplaced Anger & Resentments
Another sign that you are too self-critical is if you find yourself frequently thinking and voicing real or exaggerated criticisms against others. That’s because your critical inner voice is a double-edged sword:
[Those] who are self-critical are easy to spot as they are also easily critical of others. They have high expectations of others as they have high expectations of themselves. The way they justify it is like this, “if I can treat myself this way, then I can treat others this way.” In that way, they walk the talk. Does that sound like you?(2)
Your tendency to be critical of others may also be fueled by misplaced anger.
The cycle is this: You perceive a criticism, real or imagined. You feel defensive. You respond with hurt, anger, or a counter-criticism. At the same time, you may feel angry at yourself for overreacting. That self-anger is then redirected at the person who “started it,” adding to the heat of the dispute. This fuels more self-blame, more misplaced anger, and yet further reproaches against yourself and the other person.
In many cases, especially with a romantic partner, this cycle of other-blame to self-blame to anger (and back around again and again) may lead you to conclude that the two of you are simply “incompatible” because he “brings out the worst in me.”
But if you recognize and look carefully at this cycle, it is not driven by any inherent incompatibility or personality differences.
It’s driven solely by that self-critical inner voice and its compulsive need to prove that others are as critical of you as it is—even if they are actually being accepting of you.
The result is a tendency to pull away from loved ones out of a fear of judgment. According to Dr. Steven Stosny, this tendency is aggravated by the resentments trap:
Resentment is likely to become a bedrock of ego-defense, due to its low-grade adrenaline, which temporarily increases energy and confidence. We feel animated by the perception that we’ve been wronged, which feels better than the self-doubt and low energy that often occurs when we feel vulnerable.
The problem with adrenaline is that it borrows energy from the future. After a bout of resentment, a crash into some form of depressed mood is inevitable. Worse, adrenaline enhances memory — experience marked by adrenaline is, in general, recalled more easily. (It’s often hard to get it out of your mind.)
When you resent your partner, you’ll remember every perceived offense since you started living together. Instead of experiencing negative feelings as temporary states, it seems like you’re reacting to unfair or unreliable behavior that will not change and that overshadows most positive experience.
We justify resentment by citing evidence of other people’s unfairness. But the adrenaline we need for justification makes us subject to confirmation bias. The human brain is highly susceptible to confirmation bias under the influence of emotion arousal; it automatically looks for evidence that confirms its assumptions and ignores or discounts evidence that disconfirms them. Many studies have shown that whatever the brain looks for, it tends to find, in reality or in imagination.(3)
If you struggle with self-criticism, this confirmation bias is always looking for evidence that “proves” you are “unworthy”—especially for evidence that others also think you are “unworthy.” This makes you ultra-sensitive to both real and imagined criticisms.
It also contributes to the fear that you are not “right” for others, and that no one else is quite “right” for you. These fears may be acted out by pushing those who love you away through inflated conflicts.
Your critical inner voice may justify the rejection of the good people in your life because “they deserve better than me.” But listen to your own words! They are evidence that you are more critical of yourself (seeing yourself as not good enough) than those who love and admire you.
The irony is that your partner loves you more than you love yourself. In rejecting his love, you are putting more faith in your critical inner voice (which is not your friend) than in the love of a good, sincere man (who is your friend).
In short, an excessive fear of criticism leads to excessive reactions to real or imagined criticisms. These, in turn, perpetuate a self-destructive cycle and a self-fulfilling prophecy:
For a self-destructive person it’s difficult to establish effective ties with others. Deep down they’re convinced they’re not worthy of love or attention. If by exception they establish a good relationship with someone, they will feel strange. Inside is an imperceptible voice that says “something’s going wrong”.
In arguments with others, it’s not unusual for them to become verbally aggressive or use inconsiderate language. Once the storm passes, they feel a terrible guilt for having stirred up the dispute. They also feel guilty for what they’ve said and how they’ve said it.(4)
Cyclical Sensitivity
Your sensitivity to perceived criticisms may vary over days, weeks or months. This may be seen in periods of calm in the relationship that are suddenly disrupted by a storm over a minor matter.
Consider how your critical inner voice may be to blame for this cycle.
During the period of calm, you feel loved and content. Your inner critic may even be glad for you. But this fearful tyrant is also growing increasingly uncomfortable because you “don’t deserve” a good relationship. As each day of calm passes, the tension grows. The better things are, the more anxiously your inner critic searches for the “inevitable” signs that your lover is critical of you, too.
Eventually your inner critic has become hypervigilant. In this state, even the most innocuous comment or action may be misinterpreted as a criticism, a betrayal, or a self-promotion at your expense.
The ensuing argument is all the proof your inner critic needs to reassert its dogma that even your partner doesn’t really value you or think you are good enough.
This is where confirmation bias kicks in. Even though your partner insists he loves you and explains why the perceived criticism argument was based on misunderstanding, or is out of proportion to what was said or done, inner critic “knows” better. The resentment trap is activated. Adrenaline flows. Self-blame and misdirected anger pile on, and in that instant innocuous comment is escalated into threats of a breakup.
To make matters worse, if your partner (confused and worried about the rife) makes the mistake a few days later of asking why his earlier comment upset you so much, your inner critic will kick in again. Instead of appreciating his concern, and his sincere desire to understand so he can improve for your sake, your inner critical voice will reinterpret his effort as “badgering” you, “overthinking” the conflict, “stirring up the past,” or otherwise proving that “we’re not right for each other.”
But what was his real mistake in revisiting the issue?
Bringing it up again was embarrassing. He didn’t realize, that you are already blaming yourself for overreacting. So, even though he was sincerely trying to understand you better, it felt like criticism. And that is all it takes to restart they cycle of blame and self-blame.
What Exactly is the Worst in You?
If you feel that your partner “brings out the worst in you,” that feeling is explained by the following dynamics.
The “worst in you” is your own critical inner voice. It comes out in every relationship you have. But most especially with any guy you fear is “too good” for you.
Your inner critical voice is convinced you don’t deserve real love. It is convinced that it is better to push any man who loves you away before you love him “too much”—precisely because your inner critic believes it is inevitable that he will eventually reject you.
In truth, the man who truly loves you can accept that you struggle with this inner critical voice.
He’s not afraid of the occasional conflicts it causes. He can handle any criticism or overreaction, as long as he knows you will get over it and return to loving him. He knows this critical voice is just a small part of you. It’s not even really “in” the “real you.” Instead, it is fence of fear and criticism that surrounds the real you—like the wall of thorns surrounding Sleeping Beauty. To the man who really loves you, your inner critic is simply another obstacle to be overcome in his effort to prove his unconditional acceptance of you.
To him, it is a challenge. But the prize is worth it. Your inner critical voice says your are unworthy. His greatest desire is to convince you that more than worthy! You are a blessing beyond value, worth the entirety of his life, and more.
This is what he has repeatedly told you. But your inner critical voice is louder.
Whose Voice Will You Listen To?
The man who loves you? Or your own inner critical voice? (Hint: As discussed later, you should always distrust your inner critical voice.)
Here is the crux of the problem.
Your inner critic wants to remains in charge. It will do so by any means. It will alternate from blaming you to blaming your partner. It will never admit to overreacting. It will never, by itself, admit to being overly sensitive. It will never admit to imagining insults when none are really there.
Your critical voice will never entertain even the possibility that it is wrong. Casting blame is its game. It never admits fault.
Its dogma is this: you are not worthy; you are not good enough; and any man worth loving will eventually discover that it is a mistake to love you.
Those are the core beliefs of your critical inner voice. And it will employ any rationale necessary to defend those beliefs. Including the ultimate defense against any man who persists in loving you: “There is nothing more you can say that will change my mind.”
How to Escape the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Self-Criticism
There is no pill, surgery, or other quick fix for self-criticism. That critical voice in your head has had years of practice. It has become an habitual way of thinking.
But habits can be weakened. Even more importantly, they can be superseded by more helpful habits.
That is precisely the approach taken in cognitive therapy and similar methods of psychology and self-improvement. In fact, cognitive therapy is one area of psychology where the benefits of these approaches have been repeatedly proven in scientific studies.
Cognitive therapy is especially helpful with a trained counselor. But there is evidence that most people can make great progress relying on just the books and articles available that give guidance on how to reprogram automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) into positive empowering thoughts (PETs).
Below are just a few tips from these sources.
First, recognize that your hypersensitivity to criticism is a real thing. Admit that you have a tendency to take perceived criticisms too personally. It may be a symptom of neuroticism. By recognizing this tendency you can now make the choice to manage it better. One of your steps along this path is learning how to better discern between constructive feedback and harmful criticisms.
When you recognize that you have been oversensitive, the immediate solution is simply to say, “I’m sorry for overreacting.” Doing so serves two purposes. It let’s others know you are aware that you overreacted, and it verbalizes to yourself (especially to Gollum) that you are trying to develop a new habit.
Second, learn to recognize your critical inner voice. It is separate from the real you.
Many therapists recommend giving critical voice a name, like Gollum, Pesty, or Little Devil. By giving it a name, you are affirming that this is not you, the decision maker, nor “the oracle of Truth” that defines reality. Instead, it is nothing more than a biased, an unpleasant critic who is tearing you down, stirring up problems, and offering nothing but bad advice.
Think of this critical voice is an unpleasant relative at a family function. You can’t stop this voice from talking. But you can choose to turn your attention elsewhere.
For the rest of this article, I’ll call your critical voice Gollum, who was excessively fearful, critical, envious, jealous, suspicious, sneaky, and spiteful.
Experts advise that when you hear your inner-Gollum notice what it is saying. Don’t criticize it for being there (for in that way it wins by drawing you into self-criticism). Instead, respectfully notice the thoughts and feelings it brings, but don’t trust them. Instead, hear them as an alarm sounding that is calling you to move onto the next step.
Third, whenever you notice Gollum’s voice or tone, take a time out. Relax, meditate, or pray to seek out another inner voice in you, one which is hopeful, humble, respectful and encouraging. (Maybe you will want to give this voice a name, too.)
This may be the voice you would use (or want to use) to comfort and encourage a person you love, especially a vulnerable child, when he or she is most down and hurting. Or it may be the voice of the parent you wish you had, a respected teacher, your guardian angel, Jesus, or his mother, Mary.
This is a voice of patience, kindness, compassion and calm wisdom. It never resorts to acidic criticism. It never degrades you or others. Instead, it values you and lifts you up. This voice is encouraging, while also offering thoughtful, reasoned, constructive feedback.
In short, while you cannot completely silence Gollum, you can choose to seek out and practice listening to a kinder inner voice. That voice is in you, too. It has just too often been shouted down by Gollum. You have a choice. Use it.
Remember, the path to improvement is not found in pretending that self-critical voice isn’t there. To the contrary, it important to always remember that your Gollum is lurking around every corner looking for a chance to spring into your thoughts.
The path to progress is recognizing which voice is speaking to you: your critical voice, or your kind voice.
If it is your critical voice, listen but don’t be ruled by those thoughts and emotions. The reason to notice their presence is precisely to realize when you need to take the time to seek the counsel of your more compassionate voice.
With practice, you can learn to hear that kinder voice sooner, more clearly, and more reliably. The more you follow the advice of your kind voice, the sooner you will develop habits of greater patience and kindness toward both yourself and others. At the same time, you’ll become quicker to identify the sneering voice of Gollum and will recognize it for what it is, destructive rather than constructive.
Fourth, use the healing grace of sexual intimacy with our partner to more quickly move past every conflict. Don’t let negativity take root or fester.
The old saying “Never go to bed angry” can be translated as: If you’re still angry when you and your partner go to bed, make love to make peace.
This advice has a strong scientific basis. Making love will release a dose of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin that will help restore a better mood, more compassion, and a desire to remain emotionally intimate.
Make love. Make peace. Focus on the good. Distract yourself from the whispers of Gollum and put them behind you. End each day with the knowledge that you are loved and worthy of love.
Concluding Thoughts
You are loved. You are lovable.
Whenever you are stressed with negative thoughts, look for that kind and more patient voice that is nearer the center of your being. Your critical voice may be louder, for now, but it cannot rule you. You can choose to listen to a kinder voice.
If you are lucky enough to know a man who is truly good and kind—even if he frustrates you to no end—choose to focus on what is good and kind in him rather than on the fumbles he has made, many of which have been largely exaggerated by your critical inner voice.
Most importantly, since he is a good man, trust in his opinion that you too are a good, kind, and lovable person, too. Hold onto his confidence in you as evidence of why you can and should have more confidence in yourself, too.
It may feel like he is “bringing out the worst” in you, but if that is how you begin to get the upper hand on your critical inner voice, and become more conversant with a kinder, less judgmental voice (like his), that’s actually a good thing!
In that sense, “bringing out the worst in you” is exactly what you need—like pulling out a thorn. It is truly the first step toward “bringing out the best in you.”
There is a strong argument for the view it is part of our spiritual human nature God has designed couples to bring out the worst in each other precisely to (a) expose our inner thorns, and (b) motivate us to pull them out, so that (c) the best in us can flow back in.
From that perspective, the loved one who brings out the worst in us is precisely who we need to help bring out the best in us. It’s not the bickering that is harmful. It is the refusal to be open to learning from it that is harmful.
Perhaps the familiarity of defeatist voice Gollum seems like the easiest way to go. But when you have the option to choose voices of encouragement (including both your own kinder inner voice and the voices of your loved ones), isn’t that harder path clearly the better path?
Remember, too, that the adrenaline spike during conflict makes a disproportionate impact on your memory. It is easy to give too much focus and attention to past hurts. It is in mulling over past hurts, and exaggerating them, that Gollum thrives.
Remind yourself that your good experiences together really do far outnumber the bad times.
Obviously, your partner isn’t perfect and knows that. If he slip does into criticism (which he has no right to do), firmly point it out and ask him to try harder at following the rules for constructive feedback. Since he truly loves you, he won’t take this correction as insult but rather as a challenge to do better by you, which is his goal.
When he disappoints you, be generous in giving him another chance. Avoid the temptation to use rejection and withholding of love as a means of punishing and controlling him. A man who loves you enough to consistently keep trying to win your heart, no matter how often your critical inner voice has tried to sabotage your relationship, will never abandon you.
Here’s the bottom line. Gollum, your self-critical voice, is wrong. Period. He is wrong about you. He is wrong about the people who love you. He is always exaggerating the worst (and instigating it) in order to deny the best. His goal is not to help you find happiness in the love of others; but rather to chain you to the idea that you are unworthy of true love.
Gollum is wrong. You are lovable. You are deserving of a great, unconditional love. Never doubt that. If you do doubt that, seek the help of our partner, friends, family and a counselor . . . and trust and listen to them when they reassure you that the best in you is far far greater than “the worst in you.”