A Checklist to Measure Love
The Apostle Paul gave us a checklist for measuring love in a beautiful passage that is often read at weddings. It is worth reviewing whenever you face a relationship challenge.
I suggest you read it, however, not with an eye to how your lover is failing you, but mostly with an eye toward how you may be failing your lover. After all, one must be sure to pluck the log out of one’s own eye before judging another (Matthew 7:3).
There are many good translations of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that you can view in this link.
Here’s one I like which I’ve turned into bullet points [with other translations and biblical commentary in brackets]:
- Love is patient,
- love is kind.
- It does not envy [is not jealous],
- it does not boast [put oneself above others],
- it is not proud [quick to judge or slow to apologize].
- It does not dishonor [disdain or ridicule] others,
- it is not self-seeking,
- it is not easily angered [slow to take offense],
- it keeps no record of wrongs [is quick to forgive and forget].
- Love does not delight in evil [is not vengeful]
- but rejoices with the truth [communicates honestly].
- It always protects [ready to make allowances, is gentle in rebuke],
- always trusts [gives opportunities to improve],
- always hopes [allows mistakes without despair],
- always perseveres [never withholds another chance to love].
I encourage you to run through that checklist. Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. How good are you at each of these aspects of love?
Are you better at certain aspects of love with different people? Is it easier to be patient with your mother than your husband, for example. If so, why?
The Difference between Lust and Love; Mutual Convenience and Meaningful Self-Sacrifice
We all want love. We all want the joy of being in love. And we all like to think we are loving, perhaps more loving than our partners, which is why we are offended, and disbelieving, when our partners complain that they don’t truly feel loved by us.
But when we read through Paul’s list of acts which describe love, we see that love is not easy. Living in love requires persistence, trust, patience, forgiveness, self-control, humility, generosity, kindness, and more.
Falling in lust is easy. A relationship of convenience is just that, good only as long as the benefits outweigh the costs.
But love does not weigh benefits and costs. It does not keep a spreadsheet accounting of how much is given, how much returned, and who owes who how much before the accounts are balanced.
Instead, love simply accepts that self-sacrifice for another is good, in and of itself. We see this most easily in the love of a parent for a baby. A new born baby unable to offer reciprocal acts of love, not even a smile, yet the baby’s parents pour our acts of love even when it is hard or inconvenient.
As the list of Paul demonstrates, love is a ongoing decision to practice habits of self-control and self-sacrifice for the sake of another. These are choices to be “better versions of ourselves” for the sake of our loved one; being a little less selfish, self-absorbed, critical, lazy, intoxicated or any of a hundred vices that we would be inclined to if we only cared about ourselves. Indeed, it is precisely by constantly renewing our decisions to love that the decisions become easier. They become habitual.
These “habits” of acting in loving ways are what we call virtues. Good habits are virtues; bad habits are vices. Good habits must be fed by good decisions. Bad habits can only be changed by making better decisions.
Bottom line: love is principally a decision (and a virtuous habit) to seek the good of loved ones even at our own expense. Feelings of love are the fruit of decisions to love.
How Much Are You Willing to Love?
The greatest act of love, according to Jesus, is the act of laying down one’s life for another. Fortunately, we are not called to physically die for our loved ones on a regular basis. On the other hand, we can “die” in a thousand little ways to serve our loved ones.
Are you willing to offer your partner larger piece of cake? Are you willing to wait for them when you’re are in hurry? Are you willing to squash a bug they are afraid of, or carry their backpack, or silently endure their snoring?
These are just little acts of love. They are far short of risking one’s life and limb in single heroic act to save one’s partner. But if you cannot do even these little things without resentment, would ever really make greater sacrifices?
In short, love always invites us to die to our own preferences and self-interest in a thousand little ways over the days, weeks and years of loving another. Every act of kindness is a “little death,” in that it requires at least a small sacrifice of time and energy that could otherwise have been devoted to yourself.
Even the decision to bite your tongue (cutting off your instantaneous desire to harshly rebuke your partner) is a bit of dying to your own pride for the sake of kindness.
When, instead of a cutting retort, you pause and find a gentle way to honestly voice your hurt and to ask your loved one to improve, you are communicating with love, not anger.
This ability, even desire, to sacrifice your own immediate preferences for a loved one is the key distinction between loving another and loving oneself.
If you don’t see this tendency in your own relationship, you should question yourself. Do you love this other person, meaning are you willing to give more than your receive? Or is this a relationship of convenience? Only desirable as long as you get as much or more than you give?
This is the difference between being in lust and being in love. In the end, lust is self-serving while love is other-serving.
Just because you enjoy the pleasure of being with someone does not mean you are really in love, no matter how powerful the attraction, if you are not willing to “die to yourself” in any meaningful way. An attraction that satisfies you, and perhaps your partner, which resists self-sacrifice is a relationship of mutual convenience, not love.
Study the list of characteristics describing love given to us by Paul. Don’t read it as condemnation for being imperfect. Everyone falls short. But everyone can aspire to do better. If you don’t even aspire to do better, that is the warning sign that you have not yet made the decision to love. Once you do, then use this list to help yourself become a better lover.
Note: For a detailed study of the fourteen greek words Paul used to describe love, see “The Grammer of Love” by Skip Moen.