How and Why You Should Practice Perpetual Forgiveness

You do flush your toilet everyday, right?  Of course!  Why would you want to accumulate days, much less weeks or years of crap?

The decision to forgive is like the decision to flush your toilet. Instead of standing around and pondering the crap in your life, much less letting it accumulate so you have more reasons to be disgusted with your spouse, flush/forgive it quickly, repeatedly and every day.

Unless you develop a habit of ready forgiveness, you are accumulating crap.  That can only hurt you and your relationships.

What exactly is forgiveness?  It is a state of mind in which one ceases to feel any anger or bitterness toward another person, especially regarding a specific real or perceived offense.

Forgiveness is therefore essential to the quest for peace, contentment, and love . . . all of which are gravely disturbed by unresolved feelings of anger or bitterness.

Do you have trouble forgiving?

Do you get annoyed easily?  Do you ever ruminate on a annoyance and find yourself getting more hurt and upset the more you think about it?

Do old hurts (weeks, months or years old) frequently rise up in your thoughts?

Do you frequently remind loved ones of they have hurt you in the past?

Do you resurrect these old hurts even after the offender has apologized, maybe even more than once?

Most troubling of all, do you ever justify your own unkind behaviors today because of past offenses?

If any of the above are true, do you feel the weight?

Have you noticed how you are accumulating a constantly heavier load of emotional baggage?

If old hurts are never truly forgiven, and new hurts keep getting added to the pile . . . it is no wonder that you are feeling worn down.

Would you like to be free of old hurts?  To stop looking backward?  Would you prefer to have your of grudges empty so you can instead start every new day free of old baggage?

You can.

It is both a scientific fact and a core teaching from many religious traditions that you can enjoy a happier and healthier life by learning how to practice unconditional forgiveness.

Science on the Health Benefits of Forgiveness

According to Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, people who have developed a habit of forgiving quickly reap huge health benefits:

Research on forgiveness and measures of health, showed that forgiveness in general is positively associated with better health in terms of the heart, hormones, and immune system. There are also psychological benefits to forgiveness. People who forgive more readily are less likely to be depressed and anxious, and more likely to be happy. These physical and psychological qualities could all be key in predicting a longer life.  The way you respond when you feel wronged, or when you seek even forgiveness of yourself, has a variety of health-boosting effects.

Forgiving people are consistently found to be healthier compared to those who are slow to forgive.

More specifically, people who are quick to forgive, even absent an apology, live longer lives.

Whitbourne reports that perhaps the biggest pitfall is being a conditional forgiver.

Many people like to think they are forgiving people when in fact they are actually conditional forgivers–only willing to forgive when specific conditions are met.

Most commonly, a conditional forgiver will only forgive after an apology.  Typically, this condition will also require that the apology be sufficiently “sincere, proper and meaningful.” 

These additional requirement regarding the sufficiency of an apology puts the offended  person in the judgment seat.  This creates uncertainty and tension for both the offended and the offender…since not only the words of apology are being judged, but also the tone, body language, setting and circumstances of the apology.

Other conditional forgivers may also require some act of reparation.  Or even multiple acts of reparation, as in cases where the hurt persons recalls a past offense and is aroused to feel that offending party “still owes” them for the past offense.

Others offer only a provisional forgiveness on the condition that the offending party proves, over time, that they will never commit the same offense again.   This may be roughly expressed as, “I forgive you, but I’m also keeping a close eye on you.” This state of watchfulness, which could span a lifetime, creates tension.  Neither party feels that the matter is really settled and forgiven.  Indeed, it is clear that the offended party is actually hanging onto his or her resentment, and the conditional forgiveness implicitly includes the right to heap the old resentment on top of any new resentment if he or she perceives another offense.

In short, where resentment persists there is not truly forgiveness.   And in the case of conditional forgivers, if enough resentment remains to fuel heightened watchfulness, there is also not true forgiveness, as evidenced by the tension surrounding the watchfulness.

Pitfalls of Conditional Forgiveness

There are many problems with conditional forgiveness.  First, when you set yourself up as the judge of the sincerity of an apology, or the sufficiency of acts of reparation, or the completeness of promises to do better, you are still holding onto the stress of being the prosecutor, judge, and jury.

You are also withholding any permanence in your offers of forgiveness.  After all, when future conditions must be met, you are actually reserving the right to withdraw any forgiveness that you previously offered.

Think about that for a moment.   If the act of forgiving is not final, but instead subject to withdraw, that introduces tension into both your own life and those who desire your forgiveness.

In the long run, this is likely to drive people away from you.  After all, no one likes to feel judged, much less constantly under the microscope, or worst of all . . . feeling in constant debt to you because of some past (and perhaps unintentional) offense.

Another problem with being a conditional forgiver is that your conditions for forgiveness may not always be clear. If your standards are shifting, this is confusing to others.  This may be especially confusing to people who, by nature or habit, are unconditional forgivers, those who are fast to forgive and forget.

Consider for a moment the perspective of person from a family in which he or she learned to both offer and accept unconditional forgiveness after no more than a quick apology, or even just a nod of the head the next morning meaning: “Sorry for my part of the dust up yesterday.  Are we good? Let’s just move on as if nothing had happened.”

Maybe you think such an unconditional forgiver is making a mistake.  If so, which is their greatest mistake?  Forgiving too quickly?  Or expecting forgiveness to easily?

Still, for such a person, forgiving and moving on is almost second nature.  As a result, a “fast forgiver” may simply not know you are still hurting and expecting a more explicit apology.  And then when you make sure to point out that a more explicit apology is necessary, can you see how they will become even more confused if they then discover that their apology is still not sufficient in regard to tone of voice, context, acts of reparation, proofs of never making the same mistake over time, or whatever other conditions you may require?

Growing Confusion When Conditional and Unconditional Forgivers Meet

If you are a conditional forgiver, it is likely you have already seen this dynamic occur in your relationships with “fast forgivers.”  You may barely notice when they forgive you without condition.  You may take their forgiving for granted.   But you are keenly aware of their failures to offer sufficient apologies and reparation.  Indeed, as the number of their offenses accumulate, even unintentional offenses, you find yourself keeping a closer and closer eye on them.  You are not at peace.  You are watchful.  You are worried that they will commit the same offense again precisely (in your view) because they are not deeply enough apologetic for their past errors and therefore are likely to eventually commit the same offense again.  That watchfulness is a symptom of your tension, your lingering resentments, and the fact that your own offers of forgiveness are conditional, your past hurts never truly released.

Consider the same situation from the perspective of the “fast forgiver” in your life.   They may truly regret having offended you.  They may be truly trying their hardest to avoid making the same offense in the future.  But their experience with your conditional forgiveness is that they are not truly forgiven, but are now constantly under the scrutiny of a parole officer just waiting for any reason at all to send them back to jail.  This is not how the fast forgiver is used to experiencing forgiveness in his or her family of unconditional forgivers.  So it is confusing.  Even demoralizing, as he or she struggles to adjust to the reality of how so easily offended you are and how difficult it is to earn your complete forgiveness.

In short, if you are a conditional forgiver, it will create tension in your relationships, both with other conditional forgivers and with unconditional forgivers.

In your own life, the tension will often arise in the form of “When is he/she going to see that I’m upset and do the right thing to make up and make it right?”

In the lives of those to who feel your forgiveness is only partial, or conditional, the stress is in the form of, “Is he/she really over this?  Or is he/she going to continue bringing it up, yet again?!”

According to psychologist Loren Toussaint, who has studied the health effects of forgiveness, people who learn to give forgiveness without conditions…without even an expectation of an apology…benefit from reduced stress in their lives.

By contrast, people who have expectations and demands for apologies and other preconditions for forgiveness will tend to accumulate a huge list of resentments and grudges.  This accumulation of negative feelings contribute to lower levels of happiness, more broken relationships, stress, heart disease, and earlier deaths.

One of the obvious problems with conditional forgiveness is that it requires some sort of response from the person who’s wronged you. If that person is no longer alive or is no longer in contact with you, it will be impossible for you to reap out your forgiveness in return….  In contrast, if you decide to forgive the wrongdoer without an apology, then you can start the process at any time. The sooner the psychological healing begins, the more likely it is that your health will reap the benefits. — Susan Krauss Whitbourne

She recommends that if you have trouble forgiving because you believe you are letting the offender off “too easily,” try to think of the act of forgiveness as a gift to yourself, rather than the offender.  Sure, your offender is also getting the gift of forgiveness, but you are also getting the gift of being freed from the past and, therefore, the gift of less stress.

Also, by being more forgiving you will become more forward looking.  Resentments are about the past.  When you let go of the past, you will have more energy to spend on the present and the future.

Forgiveness is Good for Your Soul

Most religious traditions teach that forgiveness is necessary to finding happiness.  For example, Buddha encouraged rapid forgiveness,  completely letting go of any resentments as quickly as possible.  He compared holding onto resentments with grasping at a pile of coals with the intent of hurling them at your offender.  The result: you get burned as much or more than the person who wronged you.  Don’t let resentments linger.  Forgive, let go, look forward to living in peace.

In the Christian tradition, forgiveness is freely offered by God with just the one condition that we forgive others with equal generosity.   This is described in the parable unforgiving servant (Mt 18:21-35).   In this story, the servant who is forgiven a great debt by his master subsequently refuses to forgive a small debt by a fellow servant. When the master hears his hard-hardheartedness the master insists that the ungrateful servant should be treated in the same way he treated his fellow servant…without mercy…and so reinstates the much larger debt demanding that it be paid in full.  “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you,” warns Jesus, “unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (Mt 18:35).

This command to forgive others (and conversely, the threat to be judged as we judge others) is even embodied in the Lord’s Prayer: “And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” or “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors”  (Mt 6:12 emphasis added).  

And to make sure that this point was not missed, after recording the Lord’s Prayer, the apostle Matthew notes that Jesus immediately added as explanation:  “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Mt 6:14-15)  Similarly, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Mt 7:2).

In a more positive phrasing, the same idea is also echoed in the Beatitudes: “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy” (Mt 5:7).

Still, even the apostles asked Jesus, isn’t there some point at which one can stop forgiving?  After seven times, perhaps?  No, answers Jesus, forgive , we should not hesitate to forgive seven times seventy times” (Mat 18:21).   And here it is noteworthy that in the Jewish tradition seven is the “perfect number.” So “seven times seventy times” meant not just 490 times but rather whatever the “perfect number” of times it is necessary to clear away one’s own resentments.

Pastor Star R. Scott explains that nurturing the practice of forgiveness is one of the best ways to become more Christ-like:

Do you want to make yourself a better tabernacle for God? Stop keeping score! Stop looking at everybody else’s transgressions! Receive the forgiveness of God and be more than willing to forgive everybody around you. Then you will know the visitation of God in your life.

After all, we all stumble. We all slip into self absorption, harshness or complacency, not once, but many times every today.  Even the best of us need God’s mercy every day.

The Good News is that we can trust in God is offering us an unlimited, perpetual supply of forgiveness. So, if if we truly want to be children of God, like Him, we need to try our hardest to imitate His free and perpetual forgiveness toward others.

In short, God is not asking you to do something He doesn’t do.  He is free and generous in offering forgiveness.  He asks that you should be also.  If you have trouble with this, then start by consistently praying for help in being more forgiving.

In her article, The Sacred Speech of Forgiveness, Reverand Donna Schaper describes how the experience of receiving forgiveness in our lives is holy and energizing, clearing way darkness and opening doors we thought shut.  Therefore, we need to remember that just as we relish receiving forgiveness as life giving we need to be mindful of our opportunity to nurture the lives of others by being forgiving toward them.

Melting in forgiveness means going forward into a new world, in a new way.  Most of us aren’t very good at it.  That’s why Jesus’s admonition that we forgive debt–even monetary debts–with grace and wit and gladness is more than a little difficult.  We know he is right, but we don’t know how to be like him.

Jesus argues that forgiving an unpaid debt is better than living without forgiveness….What do we get from hanging on to our debts?  Not much.  The only result is separation from those whom we could love. . . . When we let debt go, we lean toward God.  We do what we can’t do.  And God does the rest.

Forgiveness can happen early or late–when we realize how short life is, we usually want it to happen early.  We want to know how to have the goal of perpetual forgiveness already in our hearts; then the right words come.

It May Not Come Easily, Still You Can Develop a Habitual Practice of Perpetual Forgiveness

Some people find it harder to forgive than others.  Perhaps this is due to either bad examples they saw as children, or due to such deep hurts and betrayals they have experienced that it feels truly dangerous and foolish to forgive those who are likely to just hurt them again.

If you recognize in yourself a difficulty in forgiving, that’s actually a great start.  Recognizing your limitations is always half of the path to addressing them.

If you can use this insight to desire improvement, there are  actually a lot of resources to help you!

I promise, you can and will improve if you have a sincere desire to do so.

If you don’t think you have a problem with forgiving, before patting yourself on the back, do just one thing:  Ask the people around you, especially those you most love and trust, if they ever feel like you are slow to forgive…or that you place conditions on your forgiveness.   This is reality check time.

If they say you are generous in forgiving, and this is confirmed by your own self perception, good job!  Keep it up.

On the other hand, if they say you could do better, believe them.  Make it a priority to be more aware and more forgiving…without conditions.

Below are some tips and resources.

Tips on Becoming a Better Forgiver

1.  Begin by being more forgiving to yourself.   After all, if you keep beating yourself up over past mistakes, is it any wonder that you keep beating up others for their past mistakes? If you struggle with this, pray for help.

While for many people the process of self-forgiveness is easier said than done,  the process is simply stated:

Recognize your fault; repent to God; make a firm commitment to trying to do better; accept God’s forgiveness; forgive yourself; let go of the past; focus on the future; take a few minutes to rest in peace of God’s mercy.

Once you repent and seek God’s forgiveness, perhaps the most important thing to do is to believe you are forgiven, even if you don’t feel forgiven.   Trust in God’s mercy.  Be aware that any negative emotions, such as feelings of guilt or self-loathing, that remain will eventually dissipate if you persist in the practice of daily asking God to forgive you your past mistakes and take a few minutes to rest in His mercy.

Try to see yourself as a  God sees you:  imperfect but still a child that He loves without limit.   He wants you to experience forgiveness.  He wants you to be free of the past.  He wants you to start fresh, with Him at your side.

2.  Forgive yourself whenever you have trouble forgiving.  And use the recognition that you are struggling to learn how to be more forgiving as a reminder that the person who offended you is probably struggling to overcome whatever tendencies led to their offence.

You, like those who offend you, are trapped in habits of behavior that take time to correct, and may not ever be fully corrected.   Whenever you stumble, and especially when you feel a resentment clinging to your heart, start by seeking forgiveness for yourself then proclaim aloud your intent, your desire, your decision to forgive those who have offended you.  That is your decision to be more Christ-like.

Accept that forgiveness if often a process process.  It takes time.  It takes repetition.  So, whenever you stumble, just repeat the process described in tip 1.   As you get better at seeking and accepting God’s forgiveness for your own repeated mistakes, it will be easier for you to give forgiveness to others for their repeated mistakes.

You can’t give what you don’t have.  Seek and find your own forgiveness and you it will be easier for you to forgive others.

3.  Avoid derogatory terms and name calling (Mt 5:22) .  These feed resentment and move you away from the peace giving spirit you are trying to foster.  Instead, whenever you first notice feelings of resentment arise, say a quick prayer for the grace to forgive:

Father, bless me with the wonderful power of forgiveness. Give me the grace to unconditionally forgive those who have done me wrong. Give me the strength to let go of all ill-will, to forgive myself of my own failings and sins, knowing that you have already forgiven me. Let peace consume my thoughts and may tranquility overtake my soul. – Cheryce Rampersad

4.  Imagine excuses for your offender.  It is helpful to always imagine that the offending party did not intend to hurt you true ill will, but was instead distracted, neglectful, stressed out, acting out some ancient psychological trauma from their own past, or that they were simply stupid.

Don’t even try to figure out why their culpability may be lessened, just assume that some factor does exist which, if you could see with the eyes of God, would make you more empathetic with them, their troubles,  their failings, and why they offended you.

Put another way, if you can picture their offense as either an aberration due to circumstance or a misunderstanding, or even as a general defect in their human nature, it will be easier to distance yourself from the hurt.  If any of these defects exist, the offending person did not intentionally mean to demean you.  So perhaps you can take the hurt less personally and forgive it more easily.

5.  Remember that forgiveness is not an emotion.  Forgiveness is an act of the will.  Make a decision to forgive, then stick to it, and eventually your emotions, thoughts, words and actions will fall in line.

Burn this into your memory and world view: Forgiveness is an act of the will. It’s worth repeating.  Forgiveness is an act of the will.  A decision.

Even the first step requires the decision to desire the ability to forgive.   Once you choose to have this desire, act upon it in even in a small way.

If you are having have trouble forgiving a certain person, try saying “I forgive you” to an empty room, or writing it in your journal.  Even if the words seem hollow, and your gut roils with anger when the offense crosses your mind, remember that forgiveness is a decision, and that it is your desire to live in a a state of perpetual forgiveness.  This will help your mind to move away from negative thoughts about the other person and toward your own desire for peace of mind.

Each time you set aside those negative thoughts, and focus on “I forgive the past,” the negative will recede a bit more and your emotions will follow.

6. Strive to foster an automatic habit of perpetual forgiveness.  Gary Drisdelle writes: “When we offer perpetual forgiveness, what we find on the other side of that coin is unconditional love.  Perpetual forgiveness means automatically forgiving all transgressions forever.”

Remember though, the concept of living in state of  perceptual forgiveness is an ideal.  It is something you may strive for but may never actually achieve.  So don’t beat yourself up about it when you stumble.   But cling to this ideal as a reason to keep trying to forgive and let go.  It is part of becoming the best version of yourself.

If you decide to make this your goal, consider making a solemn vow to practice perpetual forgiveness.   Then, when you are hurt and your impulse is to hold onto a resentment or bitterness, you will eventually recall that you made a promise to yourself to develop a habit of perpetual forgiveness.   This will help remind you that the feelings of resentment that naturally arise in you do not have to control you.  You can let them go.  You can choose to forgive.  And in making that choice, you are choosing to honor your own desire for self-improvement and inner peace.   In this way, your desire for a forgiving nature and inner peace, strengthened by your vow to keep forgiving, will help you to move more quickly to the decision to forgive and let go of your resentments.

7. Never go to bed angry.  There is so much wisdom in this ancient bit of advice to newly married couples.  Whatever hard feelings have arisen during the day, consciously decide to let them go so you can sleep in peace next to your spouse.

Consider an evening ritual of apology and forgiveness.  This may precede or follow a brief time of prayer together before you go to sleep…or even before or after you make love.

Hold hands. Gaze lovingly into each others eyes.  Then take turns proclaiming a specific and general apology: “I love you and I’m sorry for anything I’ve done of failed to do that has offended or hurt you in any way this day, this week, and at anytime in our lives.  Will you forgive me?”  To which the other party answers, “I forgive you,” and then offers his or her own global apology and receives your forgiveness.

Do this even if there has been no hurts that day.  Perhaps especially then, if only to underscore and give thanks for the spirit of perpetual forgiveness you are trying to build in your marriage.  By developing a habit of forgiving each other over even the little accumulations of crap everyday, this ritual will help to prepare you for forgiving larger issues, too.

A Prayer for Developing Better Habits

We are all creatures of habit.  We believe in free will.  Hopefully, we frequently make use of free will.  But your first reactions are almost always governed by the habits we have developed.

But our habits can be reconditioned.  In fact, the difference between a virtue and a vice is that a virtue is a habitual habit that we consider to be good for us while a vice is a habitual habit that is bad for us.

Whenever I think about my need to correct a vice or to improve on an existing virtue, I think of the following prayer which reminds me that it all connected, and that I have the opportunity to pay attention to the ways I can improve at every stage:

Additional Reading On Forgiveness

• Forgiveness and Respect: The Key Is Understanding
• Forgiveness Is a Decision To Be Free
• Live Longer by Practicing Forgiveness | Psychology Today
• Five Ways to Practice Forgiveness – Catholic Exchange
• How To Practice Forgiveness And Be Happier – Lifehack
• Three Ways to Practice Forgiveness – Tricycle: The Buddhist Review
• Practicing the ‘F’ Word — 5 Steps to Forgiveness | HuffPost
• Exercises in Forgiveness | Seattle Christian Counseling
• Five Forgiveness Exercises for Couples | Psychology Today
• Opening the Heart Again: Forgiveness Exercises and Meditations …
• Eight Essentials When Forgiving | Practice | Greater Good in Action
• Forgiveness: The One Exercise that Can Change Everything in Your …
• 2 Powerful Forgiveness Exercises & 1 Core Belief Process Exercise …
• Learn How To Forgive Yourself And Others
• Choosing to Forgive: Therapeutic Stages of Forgiveness – Mindfulness …
• Forgiveness Exercises