Spouse Troubles

Here is a unwanted truth you won’t like to hear: “Every married person abuses his or her spouse.”

Most people will quickly dismiss or deny this truth because most of us don’t “really” abuse our mates.

But it is actually true.   Every married person has abused his or her spouse.

I’ll admit, most abuses are small.  But ignoring these small abuses is what gets us all into trouble.

Think about it.

A harsh word.  A criticism veiled as a “funny” tease.  These are the seedlings of verbal abuse.

The cold shoulder.  Withholding a smile or a look of affection.  Even benign neglect.  These are the seedlings of emotional abuse.  In these examples, the emotional abuse is in the form of rejection.

Remember, every person wants to feel loved.  Just as you want to feel treasured, honored, respected, admired, and cherished by your spouse, he or she wants the same from you.

The Seedlings of Emotional and Verbal Abuse

At least in some small way, any rejection or put down of the person you promised to love as much as you love yourself is an abuse of that loved one.  It is a betrayal of your vow to stand by, protect, support, encourage, and love your spouse.

But you may complain, such a broad definition of spouse abuse sets an impossibly high standard.Read the rest of this entry »

How Men and Women Face Conflicts Over Intimacy, Life Style, and Security

Best selling author Dr. Warren Farrell’s Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say  is filled with lot’s of valuable insights for both men and women.   It’s given me much to ponder.

One line of thought that I would like to share with you stems from his thesis that men seek women for sex while women seek men for success.  Put even more bluntly,  men seek “sex objects” and women seek “success objects” (i.e., a perpetual wallet).

Farrell’s would agree that this maxim describes just a “tendency” that does not sufficiently reflect all of the more complex and noble aspects of human relationships.    Clearly, men want more than sex and women want more than financial freedom.   On the other hand, it is sometimes useful to boil down even the most complex systems to the most base generalities.

Farrell’s formula applies to both people who are avoiding marriage and people seeking marriage.

For example, men avoiding marriage are attracted to beautiful women who offer sex without commitment. Women avoiding marriage are attracted to wealthy men who offer gifts, meals, housing, travel, and excitement without commitment.

For those seeking marriage, men marry seeking sexual security and women marry seeking financial security.

Marriage as A Promise of Security

Again, if we temporarily ignore all the many beautiful and important nuances to look at the differences in focus on sex and success, this is difference between what a bride and groom hear when they make their marriage vows:

• a groom hears his bride promising to do her best to always be available to him for sexual intimacy, and
• a bride hears the groom promising to do his best to always provide the necessities of life which will allow her to form their household, raise their children, and pursue all of her dreams for a happy productive life.

As Farrell notes, in our modern culture, many women do not want to have children.  So his ability to provide financial support for children may not be on her agenda.   But even then, women who do not want to have children are still attracted to a “success object” because a successful man’s promise of commitment gives her all the extra options that more financial security offers.  In particular, for many women a husband who is a “success object” relieves her from providing for basic necessities and gives here enhanced opportunity to pursue her own interests.  His promises to support her with his success reduces the risk of her focusing her energy on more satisfying but lower paying jobs, like teaching, on one hand, or pursuing a risky entrepreneurial dream.

The importance of security, for both genders, is described as an evolutionary drive by Dr. Helen Fisher the author of Why We Love,  who writes,  ”[R]omantic love is one of three basic brain systems that evolved for reproduction. Each evolved for a reason:  The sex drive evolved to get you out there looking for partners.  Romantic love evolved to enable you to focus your energy on just one person at a time, conserving time and energy.   And attachment, the feeling of security you can feel with a long-term partner, evolved to help you stay together long enough to raise kids.”

According to Fisher, “romantic love” is the emotional glue which inspires both men and women, but especially men, to sacrifice the pursuit of  ”every available sex object” for the sake of “one secured sex object.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Be wary of stereotypes.   They often hold elements of truth, but not the whole truth.  So it is useful to be able to speak in terms using stereotypes about men and women, because there are true differences in men and women.  On the other hand, there is so much variation between individuals, both men and women, that the stereotypes often don’t apply to particular individuals or couples.

Acknowledging that caveat, let’s jump into a couple of stereotypes.

(1) Men want sex more often than women.

(2) Women want conversations more often then men, especially about topics (and in feeling terms) which women experience as especially meaningful.

So, man meets woman.  They fall in love.  They promise to marry with the expectation that their spouse will dispel the loneliness  in their lives by giving them the security of (a) a sex partner forever and (b) someone to converse with forever.

While both husband and wife want some sex and some conversation, it is likely that they each want sex and conversation in different proportions.

So what is the right proportion?

As much as your spouse asks for, with very few limits.  

There may be limits, but the limits are not defined by whatever you consider to be “necessary.”  Instead, you should always be prepared to offer more sex and more conversation than you might personally consider “necessary.”

Why?  Because what ever you are willing to concede as a “necessary” is most likely to represent what suits your preferences, not your spouses.  Offering only what is “necessary” is just an excuse for not being generous in giving in proportion to your spouse’s needs and wants.

This is why, speaking in terms of our stereotypes above, I think it is important for engaged couples to reflect on and be prepared to promise an unending willingness to give more to each other than is “necessary.” 

When taking their marriage vows, grooms should be promising that they are prepared to participate in more conversations than are “necessary.”

Brides should be promising that they are prepared to participate in more acts of marital intercourse than are “necessary.”

Now, there are a few limitations.

Neither husbands or wives should be expected to participate in degrading conversations or degrading sexual acts.

There are also some reasonable limitations on timing.  Both a request for sex at the mall and a conversations at 2 a.m. are reasonably deferred.  But except in extraordinary circumstances, requests for both sex and conversation should be satisfied within a reasonably short period of time.

The Obligation to Try Does Not Guarantee Success

Spouses should do their best to fulfill each other’s legitimate needs and wants.  But it is wrong to reject one’s spouse for failing to be an awesome sex partner or an fascinating conversationalist.  The loving thing to do is to not even show any disappointment, while also trying to help the spouse become better as both a lover and a conversationalist.

Rather than focus on a spouse’s limitations in either department, each spouse should be focused on living out the marriage vow by always renewing his or her commitment by putting little more effort into getting better at satisfying each others desires for both great sex and great conversations.  This may require actual study and practice.

And the amazing thing is, more frequent sex will help men to become better listeners and conversationalists, which will make it easier for women to have more passion in bed.   But cutting off either sex or conversation to punish a spouse for his or her failure to provide sex or conversation, guarantees misery for both.   Even giving only what you consider “necessary” is poison.

Your spouse should feel safe and free to ask for sex and receive a generous response, and also safe and free to ask for conversation and receive a generous response.

Try it!   And tell me what you think! 

For Every Couple, Every Day

• “Marriage consists in forgetting what one gives, and remembering what one receives.” — Anonymous
• “When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” – G.K. Chesterton
• “God didn’t create us to see through each other, but to see each other through.” –Anonymous
• “The ego is that which is in love with the self and with the self alone.” — Donald DeMarco
• “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” — Oscar Wilde
• ‘Love is the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired’ –Robert Frost
• Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~Leo
  Tolstoy
• We can do no great things, only small things with great love.  ~Mother Teresa
  
• No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a boy.  ~Knights of Pythagoras
  
• “Strictly speaking, will power belongs to fantasy, and willfulness belongs to psychopathology; but willingness belongs to the world of real values and real people.” - Donald DeMarco in Architects of the Culture of Death
• I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.  ~Mother Teresa
  
• “It seems that perfection is reached not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” –Antoine de Saint Exupéry
• “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count.  It’s the life in your years.” – Abe Lincoln
  
• “Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” — Jonas Salk